As I attempt to work with my clients who are seriously out of control with their addictions and substance abuse, I try to teach them the concept of “remaining in the moment” or as other professionals put it “mindfulness”. So, given this, today as I went to catch my morning bus to work, what did I do but get on the wrong bus. I had not paid any attention to which one had arrived and I just got on without looking or thinking. It wasn’t until I was on the bus that I realized my error. I smiled broadly at a couple of folks I see each day at the bus stop who get on this different bus; I acted like, “Hey, I’m just going in a different direction this morning—a change in my daily plans.” HA!
While it really was no big deal, all I had to do was transfer to another coach later down the line, I was struck by how I was totally not paying attention—truth be told, I was looking at my Blackberry and reading email. This is what 90% of people on the bus now do—we are hooked up to our devices, quietly in our own worlds. Emphasis upon quiet; there is rarely much conversation unless it is someone talking on their cell phone to some unknown entity.
This concept of remaining in the moment often comes up when my client is faced with my questions regarding their “triggers”. What sets you off to want to drink or go use? Almost 100% of the time I get, “I don’t know.” They truly haven’t a clue and thus the concept of mindfulness and being awake to our moments comes up: What were you doing, who were you with, what were you thinking, what was your mood?
This is an amazing challenge given some of the folks with whom I work. Just yesterday I spent my day with two convicted bank robbers, one Level 2 sex offender, one “2 strikes” client, and another long term self described ex Mexican mafia member who’d just gotten released from jail for threatening his protective payee (individual who manages his Social Security money). Add in a large amount of alcohol or some crack cocaine or heroin, a dab of mental illness and we do tend to act a bit goofy…
Me: What happened?
Mexican Mafia Guy: Oh, M'ame, I just called her on the phone because I was frustrated that she wouldn’t give me more of my money; it’s my money. I told her I had a gun but really I don’t; I didn’t mean it.
To make his point of being unarmed he lifted his shirt and did a 360 twirl giving me quick glimpses of a protruding belly, many dragon tattoos and a plumbers view of his butt. A few days earlier he had been dragged out of his building by 5 very large police officers.
Me: Well, you understand that we can’t do things like that—threaten people?
MMG: I told you, I didn’t mean it; I wouldn’t do that…
Me: It’s like this: We can’t scream fire in a movie theater when there really isn’t one—we get arrested for things like that.
MMG: They have a restraining order against me; I didn’t mean it. I don't know how I'm going to get my money.
Me: Do you think that perhaps you scared the hell out of her?
MMG: Well, maybe?...
These days, Kim and I are definitely not lacking for dinner conversation. We try to limit it because there’s an insidious negativity that can be created. We begin to think that this is just what makes up our world. We regularly discuss trying to find compassion in these moments and how for the time we are with the “Mr. MMG’s” we give them our undivided attention and actively push away our personal feelings. I actively try to visualize them as an infant or toddler and that helps me to give them honest compassion because I know that at some young point in time, something began to go terribly wrong.
So, getting back to remaining in the moment, or being awake to what I’m doing, I keep practicing; I have much to learn myself.
I will end with a joke I heard the other night at a comedy show….a good self care technique—go listen to comedy!
So there were three guys waiting to enter heaven and were being interview by St. Pete at the Pearly Gates.
St. P: In order to enter heaven, you must present me with some symbol of the birth of our Lord.
First guy rummages through his pockets and pulls out a lighter. “This represents lights and the star that guided the 3 Wise Men.”
St P: Very good. You may enter.
Second guy goes through his pockets and pulls out keys. “These represents the jingling of the bells.”
St. P: Very good. You may enter.
The third guy is really sweating it. In desperation, he pulls out a pair of women’s underwear and panics when he sees the frown on St. Peter’s face.
“Carole's?” he says.
Get it???? HA HA HA.
Thank you, thank you.
PS: For a few of you who may be wondering (and I know some of you are), NO, the pictured tattoo guy is NOT my client!
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