Paralysis, Day 2

June 15, 2008

Almost paralysis has set in. We are in our Alessandria hotel and mostly lie in bed with occasional movement to eat breakfast or look out the window, or use the bathroom. I seem to have a bit more energy than Kim. She remains in bed and only has come out today (upon my prodding) to eat some breakfast. Once back in the room, she again is under the covers.

A discussion takes place: “Is this the right place to be (meaning Alessandria); will there be enough here to keep us busy”? How can that be answered? We know nothing of this place. I search all of our travel books and in one, there is a 2 page entry on Alessandria—mostly about Napoleon and a war and a type of food that was created by his chef. I seem to be in a just trust that this is the right place although I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that Kim’s questions (are they innocent—why now since the deed is done!) make me nervous and I want to tell her not to add to my anxiety but instead allow the questions b/c I do know that they must be asked. I am trying to just allow what is…knowing that all of this will take time and that this birth entry is difficult and there will and must be an adjustment period…a month or two? I keep reminding myself of what Harriet said—it will be very hard in the beginning and it will seem like nothing will be working out. “Don’t expect your computer to work….after awhile, things will be much better.”

Speaking of computers so far ours has worked within the hotel. I take some pride in the fact that I have figured out how to connect it and that I brought (from home) a telephone cord in anticipation of needing one to connect; and here in this hotel room we do need one. It took me awhile to find the cord packed away among the pounds of “necessities” that we brought with us. In the meantime, I unplugged the room phone cord (who’s going to call?) and utilized that (discovering that the plugs on phones must be partially universal—at least between Italy and the US). Now, I say “hooray for them (computers)!” So far it’s been our link to the past of home as we struggle to take in the creation of a new home. So, let’s hear it for being able to access KUOW and You Tube. Last night we happily watched Steven Colbert’s You Tube videos. Then we learned of the death of NBC correspondent Tim Russert and watched as Tom Brokaw read the announcement. Mr. Russert (who was only 3 years older than me) died due to overwork??? That’s what it sounded like; dropped dead at work! Kim and I looked at each other; yes, this is so believable and I thought to myself, “This is why I am here…” That almost sounds so horrible to say b/c I’m always telling myself that my life is no harder than anyone else’s….that these last 8 years shouldn’t have taken that much of a toll on me; but they have and I am so grateful for the opportunity to just STOP and rest and try to take in that we/I don’t really have to do anything I don’t want to do for the next year. This leads back into Kim’s and my earlier conversation about “Is this the right place to be??” My thinking was, does it really matter? We don’t have to be anywhere; we don’t have to be “back” in time to get ready for work. So, for instance, if we take a train into Milan and spend the day, it doesn’t matter what time we get back b/c we can sleep in and we don’t HAVE TO get prepared for a day of work or functional living. What kind of gift is this??? It’s actually quite embarrassing (but I’ll cope with that!) to be able to do this. And now I think of Tom Brokow (I was very touched as he clearly struggled to read the announcement and eulogize the life of his friend and colleague) and I wonder what he is thinking…I am sure he works as hard as Mr. Russert did and does he think of taking a break? Certainly, he can afford one but it’s all in one’s needs and priorities and sometimes, work is the priority for living. That’s been my modus operandi and now I am making a turn in the road of that belief and wonder what I will discover.

I have been acutely aware of the money thing…It’s very obvious that we are looked at as having money—which we do, but in a way that I’ve not really ever experienced (and I never do forget that the only reason I/we can do this is b/c my parents died—another long saga to be discussed later, I’m sure). The fact that at this point in time we can travel here to Italy for a year begs the question, “How are they doing that?” While everyone tells us how it’s so fabulous and “we deserve it” (do we? Why more than everyone else who works hard?) I still feel awkward. But, to a degree it’s been quickly remedied by being gouged by the Taxi drivers who could give a shit about being nice b/c they are working hard to make a living and why should they give a break to someone who is doing something that they only dream of? And the circle is completed, my question not totally answered but being gouged is like a penance so all is well.